I woke up feeling blue. I’d say that I had Monday Blues but its Thursday so it would be cliché but hey, Monday Blues it is. I thought about Pearl today and honestly, it wasn’t all happy thoughts. For someone who brought so much light to my life I would think that it would always be sunshine, roses, and rainbows. Happy thoughts, right?
I remembered the last conversation we had before she left. She asked me to picture my perfect first date. A nice candle-lit dinner, a bottle of wine and some Netflix after. When I envisioned it, I saw her seated across the table from me. This is a happy thought but that wasn’t it today. I missed her; her voice, her touch, everything about her. How she looked at me, the rhythm of her breathing when she slept; you know, the little things.
Have you ever met someone and you knew right there and then that they were it for you? She was it for me. I knew from that moment that I would never look at anyone else like I looked at her. That, if it ended, I would break. I did break.
A little time has passed since and I figured that I would have adjusted by now. Change is inevitable so it is in our nature to adjust accordingly, right? Then why do I remember how her skin smells like? How soft her hands are? Why do I still notice the slightest change in her tempo when she speaks? Why is my brain not adjusting to this circumstance? What makes this so different? What makes her so different?
It took me such a long time to accept that she left. The hardest part was understanding why. If you’ve read my articles in the past you would know that I haven’t had much luck in my love life. I have often wondered about my happily ever after. And yes, I still believe in that. My past relationships always broke me after, but it was quite easy to pick up those pieces because people are replaceable. Everything about Pearl is contrary to what I’m accustomed to so, adjusting hasn’t been easy.
Back to my Monday Blues. Time and again she explained why she left but a part of me was in denial and I focused on my thought process not hers. Today, I finally made peace with it. I had to accept that her choice had nothing to do with me. This is a classic case of meeting the right person at the wrong time.
I always hoped that I would be her comfort, that whenever she felt blue, she would remember that she had me, that I’d always be right there. I wanted her to see what I saw when I looked at her. Her optimism is the best part about her. Regardless of the situation she still found a reason to smile. I wanted her to see that she was my anchor; my balance and I hoped to be hers.
I’m sure that she will see that and much more as time goes by. I hope that she will, one day, let herself love and be loved. And maybe, just maybe, I will be there to see it all unfold. I hope that she’ll always carry my heart and my love with her.
Sounds like a corny love letter but hey, that’s what you get for having Monday Blues.
- Hers and Hers - July 21, 2021
- My Little Note: Being My Own Kind of Beautiful - June 24, 2021
- In Memory - June 19, 2021
