Have you ever been suicidal? This is a very sensitive topic that I have been contemplating whether to talk about it for quite a while, but I have not gotten the courage to do so. Some of us have lost friends through suicide or family members or people close to us and it has not been easy, others have found their loved ones in a state where they have hurt themselves and it is also not a good sight to see. It is also not an easy topic for me because I have had moments where I felt I didn’t deserve to be alive. I have had moments where I wanted to hurt myself some scenarios played in my mind where I wondered how painful would it feel if I walked in front of a moving truck and see my life flash before my eyes. I have been a microsecond away from hurting myself. It is not a great feeling, to feel unimportant.
How people react when you tell them such sensitive things matters. People react differently, it also depends on who you are telling or how you have portrayed your personality to people. There is a saying that goes that those people who seem very happy like they have no problems in their lives are the most vulnerable and the ones who go through a lot of things and they mask it with sarcasm. I have three people that I have confessed to that I have had suicidal thoughts three times in my whole twenty-plus years in this world, they were times when I felt the lowest in my life and the people I expected to reach out to me were brushing it off as a bluff because I don’t look like the type to be in misery, don’t I look human?
The first time I had these thoughts was sometime in my adolescent years. I was a really quiet child, I was not very social with people. My parents had bought me a dictionary and a ‘kamusi’, they did not even last a week the books got stolen, I was so stressed because I knew my parents, they are not to be joked with. I was so stressed I did not know how I would relay the ad news. I decided to come clean since I knew it would haunt me if I did not say, I went home and found my mum cutting kales so I told her, I almost died that day, I am not sure if she threw the knife or a ‘mwiko’ but she threw something at me and that day I received a good beating. As I was sobbing in my room I wondered why she decided to throw something dangerous at me what if I got hurt and died would she have regretted it? and so these thoughts kept me up at night.
I wondered why she did not hesitate to be brutal to me, did she not love me? was I even her kid anyway? I just had a lot of thoughts and I went to the kitchen late at night took the knife, and pointed it to my stomach, lots of thoughts rushed into my head if I died would anyone even miss me? I felt I was a burden to my family and it would be better off if I was not alive, they have already gone through a lot because of me. Something distracted my chain of dangerous thoughts I don’t know what it was but I returned the knife and went to sleep. When I woke up, I asked my mum if I decide to kill myself, would life be better without me and she told me I would reduce expenses such as food in the house. I don’t know if the response was serious or if she was trying to be a harsh person to show me that she did not care for me but at that time I needed her to see that her baby was not okay and she needed to be told she is important.
A child who makes mistakes should be scolded, if I was not scolded, I would have been a lost soul but how you pass the message of scolding to your child matters, show them this is something you did wrong and this is why I am punishing you but scolding a child while saying bad things to them will mess up their mental state, there is the trauma of course and you will get some people saying they are the way they are due to their childhood traumas. Fast forward, I got intoxicated one time and I was around some people and I blurted out that I was depressed and sometimes I feel like committing suicide. It was something I never even remembered but it came up in one of the conversations with the people that I was with at that time, they said I said those words and they laughed at me then I told them I was serious, I asked them if your friend blurts out that she is depressed and she feels like killing herself when she is intoxicated the most vulnerable moments where you are not afraid of spilling all your feelings, do you just assume and laugh or do you not try to help the friend?
I don’t know if it’s because of the bubbly personality I sometimes have, that I don’t give off the depressing vibes that made them think I was bluffing, but I was serious that time but I understand that the human mind is slow to process things some times. I have developed a defense mechanism to restrain myself from doing anything crazy because they are some people who are important to me and it would be selfish of me if I decided to leave them alone. The other time I felt like the world was caving in on me and I felt I would drown in my emotions I called a close person to me, I cried and told him how I was feeling and that I did not feel like living, he was mad at me, he scolded me and told me I was selfish and I only think of myself, what about the people that need me? How would they move on if they knew they could not give me a reason to stay? It broke my heart and opened my mind at the same time that I was selfish a lot, but it has taught me a lot of things.
Some people will care so much about you and show you how precious you as a person is. They listen to you and give you a shoulder to lean on. There is so much more I would want to write but it is very sensitive to me and I don’t want to wake up the sad nigga hours. If you feel you want to commit suicide and you do not have anyone to talk to, there are some people you can reach out to if you feel you don’t want to worry your loved ones or if your loved ones are not understanding people here are some of the hotlines you can call Befrienders Kenya and you can reach them through the suicide hotline +254722178177 or 1199 and also most people who post their status saying that if you feel you want to go you can talk to them first, I am also someone who can help you even though I have been through the ordeal but you know what they say Experience is the Best Teacher and trust me I perfectly know what you are feeling and I will give you tips on how to be a fighter.
There are also ways you can use to keep your mind occupied when you are not feeling like you want to continue living, you can do workouts, meditation, yoga, pray, read the Bible, take a nature walk, listening to music (my absolute favorite), and you can also do things that you love which are an exception from the ones I have mentioned. Don’t feel you are worthless just because someone else has failed to see your worth, you are very important and you should see to it that you have achieved all of your goals. And you should be your number one supporter when you feel no one is supporting you.
P.S I LOVE YOU BY THE WAY.
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