As Pumba said, “If the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.” And I couldn’t agree more. There are times when you depend on the world and it may not be literally, it may be people, work, money, and a lot more. I have never had the chance for someone to have my back, well there has been, but I would not say as I expected, I always end up alone solving my shit at the end of the day, but I have been there for people when they needed me, and I came to realize that it may be that you are there for someone and in the end, they will tell you that they did not ask for it and there is nothing you can do about it. So, when that happens, you don’t hold it against them, and keep a grudge, but move on with your life, as the saying also goes, “Tenda wema nenda zako.”
I used to think that I meant something to some people, that even if anything happened, they would always choose me no matter the situation but boy was I so wrong. I had someone close to me and one time they lost their phone, so I did not hear from them for a while since this person meant a lot to me, I became worried as to where they might have been, I searched for them and eventually, I found them, I told them I was worried and they told me that they had lost their phone, a little over time, the story of the events was revealed and they told me how much they enjoyed their time that day and I never spoke a word, I just listened to the story and pretended not to be hurt. I did not want to spoil their happy memories, with my constant worry as an overthinker.
Another time this same person went for some work and spent the whole weekend off. As usual, I was worried and called this person’s phone non-stop and they were off. I relaxed and prayed that this person was safe and sound, after the whole weekend being mteja, they resurfaced, and instead of trying to apologize for what happened, they told me how happy they were, and how much they enjoyed their weekend, and also the reason why they were off. I did not want to ruin that, but on my side, I was breaking down, I had argued with my mother that same weekend and, I was also worried about this person, but because they seemed happy and it looked like my troubles meant nothing, I did not want to ruin their happy moments, the only comment I had on my issue is that my reaction on the matter with my mother is what mattered, but it did not, I just wanted to be consoled, that was all.
This same person lost their phone again, stayed a whole week comfortably without speaking to me, and mind you, nilithani nilikuwa wa maana sana kwa huyu mtu, after no communication at the end of every day that passed, I asked myself why the heck was I waiting for someone who was not waiting for me, “You waiting for your boy/ girl, are they waiting for you?” a great line from Nyashinski kept on replaying in my head. If I was as important to that someone as they made it seem then I would have been in the know the moment they lost their phone. Despite this person making me worried, they were okay with not contacting me, and with that when they came back, I told them to leave me alone because it seemed that their back was turned to me and what better to do than to turn mine on them right? I realized that this person was okay with losing me, and they would not even miss me when I was gone. It hurt me a lot but I had to accept that fact very fast.
And they left without looking back, I wanted to see if I meant something to them and months passed but, they never looked for me. Instead, they blamed me for leaving and breaking their trust and told me that I was the one who gave up, well it is true, niligive up kwa sababu hio time yote nilikuwa nakimbiza huyu mtu, hakuwa anataka nimkimbize, yes, they never asked for it but it was only right considering the title of the relationship, na sikuwa nataka kuhisi najisukuma sana kwa huyu mtu na ata hayuko hapo, yeye anaishi maisha yake. When they turned their back on me, I turned mine. With time you realize that you have to let go of those who decided to part, unakubali na unasonga na mwenye anasonga na wewe, and you wish them all the best. Despite that, we got to live by Pumba’s wise words.
- INNER WORK. - July 7, 2023
- SELF-GRATIFICATION. - July 4, 2023
- “TWO SIDES OF A COIN” - July 1, 2023
